Daniel Goldman

How do Penguinists Tell Time?

By daniel Leave a Comment Jan 1

We measure time in seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years, and so on. The main calendar in use today is the Gregorian calendar, which counts from the estimated date of the birth of Jesus Christ. Obviously, Penguinists have little use for such a date. So how do Penguinists tell time? Heads up: there’s going to be a lot of technical stuff in this post.

Physics Stuff

The way physical laws work in the old universe and this one are the same, which is why TVNM was able to break into it. We have the same elements, and so the same basic time unit is used. Atomic clocks rely on cesium-133. Specifically, “the International System of Units (SI) has defined the second as the duration of 9192631770 cycles of radiation corresponding to the transition between two energy levels of the ground state of the caesium-133 atom (Scientific American).”

Basic Units of Time

But of course a “second” is a unit of time that humans have created, based on the length of our day. The Br’sqvur use derivatives of individual caesium-133 cycle, the dri, and multiples of it. However, Br’sqvur arithmetic works on a base 60 number system, rather than the base 10 number system that we use.

There are a number of advantages to base 60. Unlike with base 10, which allows easy division by 2 and 5, base 60 allows easy division by 2, 3, 4, 5, 10, 12, 15, and 30. That’s one reason why time is almost base 60. There are 60 seconds in a minute, and 60 minutes in an hour. In Br’sqvur time telling, the smallest unit generally used is the tik, which is 60 * 60 * 60 * 60 * 60 * 60 dri, or about 5 seconds. Next is the ark, which is 60 tiks, and the mi, which is 60 arks.

Dates

But what about actual days and how about dates? Well, one issue with using dates is that traveling near the speed of light warps time. If you’re only traveling about 1/4 the speed of light, it isn’t too bad, but if you get towards 3/4+ time dilation becomes very pronounced. It makes universal time keeping very difficult. Instead, every colony ship had its own calendar, counting up from the date that the colony was founded.

The calendar doesn’t work in days, but rather cycles. A day is meaningless in space, but work shifts and sleep cycles are pretty well defined for the Br’sqvur. Like with penguins on Earth, the Br’sqvur can sleep for quite a bit. How much? Upwards of 4 mi, which is about 20 hours! But they do get a lot done when they’re awake, and a full cycle is 12 mi, or about 60 hours. The cycle is one of the few units of time that does not follow the standard 60 multiple rule. Their “month” is 60 cycles and a year is 60 of those months.  On even larger scales, there are generations, eras, and epochs.

Table

Since all of this information can be a lot to take in, here’s a simple chart to keep track of everything!

Br’sqvur Time Earth Time
9192631770 dri 1s
1 tik 5 seconds
1 ark 5 minutes
1 mi 5 hours
1 cycle 2.54 days
1 month 152.4 days
1 year 25 years
1 generation 3 centuries
1 era 180 centuries
1 epoch 10.8 millennia

 

The post How do Penguinists Tell Time? appeared first on The First Church of Penguinism.

The Rapture and YHWH’s Fleet

By daniel Leave a Comment Dec 11

What is the rapture? Is it some divine event where the righteous are freed from the sorrows of the mundane world? The Penguinomicon teaches us otherwise. In some ways, so does the bible.

We see evidence for the coming rapture, in stories of alien abductions. We must first ask ourselves, “who is it that is abducting these people?” It could be some random alien race. But that seems unlikely, especially with the influence that the Binini have on our local galactic group.

This information leads us to one conclusion: YHWH is making test abductions, in order to prepare for a wide scale abduction. Consider Revelation 7:14 (KJV): “And I said unto him, Sir, thou knowest. And he said to me, These are they which came out of great tribulation, and have washed their robes, and made them white in the blood of the Lamb.”

Clearly this statement was a warning from Jesus. During his lost years, studying under !Erree (Lost Years 1), Jesus likely had learned a great deal about the ways in which YHWH tricked his worshipers into joining him, before abducting them and integrating them into his army.

We should therefore take alien abductions, and warnings in Bible verses like Revelations 7:14, very seriously. We must keep an eye on the stars, and be ready the moment YHWH’s fleet arrives.

The post The Rapture and YHWH’s Fleet appeared first on The First Church of Penguinism.

The Lost Years of Jesus Chapter I

By daniel Leave a Comment Dec 4

This story was told to me by, ǃErree, one of the few Binini to remain on Earth after the great catastrophe. It is the true(ish) story of Jesus, and his lost years, where he found out the truth of his cosmic heritage.

Many hundreds of thousands of years ago, when the Binini home world was still at relative peace, there was a very wise and ancient philosopher-scientist, Etʃʼama. This great sage was able to piece together enough of the universe’s history to decipher Sq’wak’s warnings regarding YHWH.

In his studies, he also learned of the Eternal Dishwasher, and of course the nature of reincarnation. He wished to ensure that, should he ever be reincarnated, his future incarnation would be able to continue to his work in defending our universe against YHWH.

How many times Etʃʼama was reincarnated, no one knows, but it was roughly 2,000 years ago that !Erree came across one such reincarnation. In Luke 2:52 it is said that “Jesus advanced in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and men.” Half of that is the truth(ish). Indeed, Jesus did advance in wisdom and stature.

For in his lost years, Jesus took many trips to the sea. And it is there that he met !Erree and was told of his spiritual heritage. But Jesus did not grow in favor with YHWH. No. For in these years, he grew closer to understanding Sq’wak and closer to understanding the importance of peace…

The post The Lost Years of Jesus Chapter I appeared first on The First Church of Penguinism.

Br’sqvur Ship Design

By Daniel Goldman Leave a Comment Oct 2

The Br’sqvur ships were very different from the ships people normally see in science function. First off, they weren’t solid, at least for the colony ships. Instead, they consisted of a multi-layered geodesic sphere, constructed out of large tubes through which the Br’sqvur could swim. At each external junction were multiple engines. The computer system controlled all of these engines allowing the sphere to move in pretty much any direction. Towards the interior of the ship, junctions consisted of large pools surrounded by hollow shells. Families resided in these shells, as the Br’sqvur were still air breathing and to an extent land dwelling.

At the center of the ship was a large power core, surrounded by the computer core and other essential systems. This area was also the “bridge,” though not much of one was needed, as each member of the colony was able to interact with the ship through their direct neural interface.

For those who are not familiar with geodesics, below is a two layer geodesic sphere, designed by George W. Hart. The colony ships, depending on their size, likely consisted of far more than two layers.

Also, because of the aquatic nature of much of the ship, there really wasn’t any need for all that much life support. The hull itself was heavily insulated for the most part, so it took minimal energy to heat the environment, and most of the energy for environmental regulation went to artificial light. An artificial biome throughout the ship, produced a large amount of plankton, which fed smaller organisms, and eventually larger ones, allowing for a food source for the Br’sqvur; their ships were essentially miniature words.

The post Br’sqvur Ship Design appeared first on The First Church of Penguinism.

The Br’sqvur: An Ancient Penguinoid Species

By Daniel Goldman Leave a Comment Sep 30

Sq’wak is not a penguin per se. She was a member of a species that we will refer to as the Br’sqvur. Penguins are the result of convergent evolution.

This article describes, in brief, a few points about the species to which Sq’wak belonged. You should read “Penguinism and the Birth of the Universe” and “YHWH’s New Empire” before this article. While this article may never make sense, it will make even less sense without reading those two article first. Or not.

While in many ways the Br’sqvur mirrored Earth penguins, there were some striking differences as well. They were quite large: a little bit larger than modern humans. They also had much larger brains. In fact, they were probably a fair amount smarter than modern humans.

They were a glorious and prosperous species which had, long before the time of Sq’wak, taken to the stars and spread throughout the universe. But this success was no small feat. You see, the Br’sqvur still had the characteristics of their ancient ancestors, and so lacked any form of hands with which they could manipulate their environment. Instead, the Br’sqvur used a combination of an exoskeleton which had prehensile fingers and direct neural interfaces for their technology.

They also still loved to swim, and so their ships had a very odd configuration, at least for their colony ships. Throughout each ship were networks of waterways and the crew would swim from place to place, from deck to deck, rather than taking elevators. This waterway was also used to store a lot of their food.

The colony ships were quite large. Just like Earth penguinoids, the Br’sqvur lived in colonies of upwards of a few million. The largest colony ships could easily handle that many. Some of the members worked on the ship itself. Others engaged in various forms of commerce. There was no real government on the ship. Instead a form of digital contract system managed their commerce and other interactions. And if a group wished to leave, they would just take a small ship and start a new colony.

Given the size of these ships, colony budding wasn’t exactly uncommon, however between the use of their smart contract systems, mutual cooperation through commerce, and strong family ties, it did not occur all that frequently either, and in many cases, it was more due to an increase in their population than anything else. After all, with their technological advancements, a member of their species could easily live for thousands of years.

Final note: Thank you for reading a brief summary of the Br’svqur. More on them will be written in the future, so please follow us on Twitter and Facebook to keep up to date.

The post The Br’sqvur: An Ancient Penguinoid Species appeared first on The First Church of Penguinism.

YHWH’s New Empire

By Daniel Goldman Leave a Comment Sep 18

In the year’s following YHWH’s arrival in our universe, as told in “Penguinism and the Birth of the Universe,” YHWH sought to establish his empire. But Sq’wak did everything in her power to prevent his total domination.

Luckily Sq’wak had an unlikely ally, who emerged shortly after YHWH’s emergence in our universe. You see, G’ral, who had been forced to finish the research for YHWH, was taken to our universe to continue working on other projects. YHWH also had become infatuated with G’ral and G’ral used that to his advantage. He eventually manged to sabotage a research project and escape.

After the betrayal by G’ral, YHWH decided to scorn all men. It is actually for this reason that he manipulated the words of the bible to oppose homosexuality. YHWH was jealous and angry at his ex lover. He took Leviticus, which only applied to the Israelites, and really had little to do with prohibiting homosexuality, and worked to change its interpretation, and the interpretation of many other religious ideas, so that people would come to oppose homosexual relationships.

After G’rel’s escape, he worked to help Sq’wak in any way that he could to defeat, or at least protect our universe against, YHWH, including the development of technology that would help the fight against YHWH. He also eventually found that a new species evolved on Earth. The species was very similar to his own. They are the polar bears.

As for YHWH, he worked to create various worlds in his image, within this universe. Of course, his war-like ways generally led to the rapid demise of such worlds. A few empires arose, but most burned shortly after reaching space, and it is for this reason that there are very few signs of intelligent life in the universe. Still, YHWH selected a few from the most promising worlds and constructed an empire. This empire sits in hiding, waiting for those unknowingly fall into their trap…

Further Reading

  • Penguinism and the Birth of the Universe

The post YHWH’s New Empire appeared first on The First Church of Penguinism.

Penguinism and the Birth of the Universe

By Daniel Goldman Leave a Comment Sep 14

The following is a description of possible events that led up to the beginning of the current universe. It is a work of fiction. Please do not start a messed up secretive organization where people have to pay tons of money to join.

Universal date 10327A-7892.5: the universe had grown old and the stars were dying, but there were still a handful of thriving species. It had long been realized that even with the end of the universe, something would survive. Scientific investigation had found a sort of nexus point of the multiverse, what we today refer to as the eternal dishwasher, an admittedly poor translation of the original language.

However, TVNM, a warlord who had long cheated death through advanced technology, wished not only for his essence to survive, but for continued life. He kidnapped numerous scientists from the remaining species and forced them to do research on a way to survive through the death of the universe and the birth of the next one.

But one scientist, Sq’wak, feared that TVNM would continue his murderous tyranny in the next universe and while continuing the research, found a way to fight him. She was able to integrate her consciousness with the nexus itself, and in doing so, became able to watch over the multiverse. And though it was a difficult choice, an endless existence and unfathomable responsibility, Sq’wak completed her work, but not before one of the other scientists, G’ral, was forced to complete TVNM’s request and TVNM survived and it was in this new universe that he came to be known as YHWH…

For a more general overview of Penguinist mythology, read “The Basics of Penguinism” and to learn what happened next, read “YHWH’s New Empire.”

The post Penguinism and the Birth of the Universe appeared first on The First Church of Penguinism.

Sushi as a Sacred Food for Penguinists

By Daniel Goldman Leave a Comment Aug 29

It might not come as a surprise that sushi would be considered a sacred food by Penguinists, but the reason might surprise you.

First, sushi is not raw fish. Sushi refers to the seasoned rice itself. While raw fish is a common ingredient used in sushi, cooked fish and vegetables are also quite common.

Sushi is sacred for a few reasons. Rice itself is a staple food for a large portion of the world. It is also one of the oldest domesticated crops, with rice domestication occurring some 10,000 years ago in Asia. In Japan, an agricultural system known as the “satoyama” method literally creates an artificial biome for rice and food production. A lot of wildlife depends on these artificial biomes for their survival, as they have evolved to utilize them.

Additionally, sushi, like much of what is made in Japan, is about simplicity and execution. Traditional sushi has only one or two ingredients, in addition to the rice. Sushi chefs train for years to make quality sushi.

Another food that is common for Penguinists to eat is onigiri, or rice balls, which is just a ball of rice and one or two ingredients, such as kombu, or sesame seeds, or what we consider to be the favourite of Sq’wak, mentaiko (spicy cod roe).

The post Sushi as a Sacred Food for Penguinists appeared first on The First Church of Penguinism.

First Church of Penguinism: Gameplan

By Sqwak Leave a Comment Aug 23

This is a brief summary of The First Church of Penguinism’s game plan for the next few years.

  • Improve our website by making it better looking and more interactive.
    • For now, we’re using Disqus which allows comments on blog posts.
  • Gain members
    • We may begin using a standardized membership system if people are interested.
  • Generate some revenue through
    • Merchandise
    • Books and other media
    • Ads, although we would prefer not to go this route, if the other revenue generation methods work well enough, and affiliate links, which are already in use
  • Become a B Corp (public benefit corporation)
    • Being a Public Benefit Corporation (B Corp) would allow us to focus on our goal of promoting open science and the cooperation between science and religion, while still acting as a business (Certified B Corporation).
  • Start supporting open science organizations and other related organizations, including
    • The Center for Open Science
    • Reform Academia Org
  • Crowdfunding
    • If there is enough initial support, we will likely rely on Kickstarter or Indiegogo to fund additional expansion

For more information on Penguinism and The First Church of Penguinism, check out our FAQ on the home page.

The post First Church of Penguinism: Gameplan appeared first on The First Church of Penguinism.

Is The Divine Penguin, Sq’wak a God?

By alcanthro Leave a Comment Jul 20

While Sq’wak is labeled, “The Divine Penguin” she is not actually a god, at least not as they are generally viewed. Here is why.

What is a god? That’s a very difficult question. There are a number of candidates for gods. There’s YHWH, who turns out to be a usurper deity. as discussed in my previous post on Penguinism. There are the Greek and Roman gods. There are the Kami of Shinto. There’s the Buddha. Many of these things are called gods by some.

However, there are many times where believers reject the notion of godhood. The Buddha is considered a normal person who happened to achieve enlightenment, something that any of us could do. He is not viewed as a god by Buddhism. Similarly, the practitioners of Shinto do not view the Kami as gods. They are manifestations of a fundamental force known as Musubi. Sq’wak is the same. She is not a god, in the sense that we usually view the world. She is a product of nature herself. She is confined by the fundamental laws of nature.

Therefore Sq’wak should not be viewed of as a god, in the sense of a being which has agency and ability to violate natural law, but rather a being, which is closer to the fundamental essence of nature. In this way, Penguinism is an atheistic religion, much like Buddhism, Taoism, Shinto, etc.

The post Is The Divine Penguin, Sq’wak a God? appeared first on The Spiritual Anthropologist.

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